LOL!

10 GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING DIVORCED

1. YOU CAN BE SELFISH! It’s all about you: you are free to do the things you love to do with the people you want to be with. Time for self absorption to reflect on who you want to be in the next chapter of your life and what you learned from your divorce experience.
2. COMPLETE CLICKER CONTROL FOR EVERY TV IN THE HOUSE: No more Sports Center or ESPN. Watch Twilight and Lifetime tv as much as you want without anyone rolling their eyes.
3. HAVING THE WHOLE BED TO YOURSELF: No more snoring and you can sleep diagonally, very therapeutic to purchase a new mattress when you can.
4. MORE ROOM TO SPREAD OUT AND TAKE OVER EVERY CLOSET: At first walking by those empty closets can be a bit of a shock, you will get over it quickly. An excuse to get more organized with more space and an excuse to go out shopping.
5. BEING ABLE TO DECORATE THE WAY YOU WANT: No more worrying about the new bed comforter being too frilly or feminine. You can enjoy pink again and display as many pillows and decorative chatchkes as you want!
6. NO MORE TOILETTE SEAT ISSUES: Do we have to say anymore…
7. THE FIRST KISS POST DIVORCE: After kissing the same person for all these years, the first new kiss can be electric and make you feel reborn. CHOOSE THE GUY WISELY, YOU ONLY GET ONE FIRST ON THIS ONE-MAKE IT COUNT
8. GUILT FREE COUCH POTATO TIME: Wear the most comfortable sweats and don’t worry about making dinner as you enjoy a bowl of cereal while watching America’s Next Top Model with zero guilt!
9. MORE TIME WITH YOUR OWN FAMILY AND FRIENDS: No more snarky remarks when you are on the phone or visiting. The best thing for many….No more kissing up to your in-laws who drove you crazy!
10. THE ABILITY TO START OVER AGAIN AND FIND YOUR HAPPINESS Regardless of who dumped who, the reality is you get to start over again. It’s can be a great journey with a positive attitude. Life is short, you have the ability to make your new life amazing!

excerpt from Congratulatons on Your Divorce – The Road to Finding Your Happily Ever After,
by Amy Botwinick, Conceiver, Author & Producer of Divorce Party The Musical

Top 10 Tips for Dating Post Divorce

1. Prince Charming is not ransacking the neighborhood knocking on doors, trying to find the perfect match for that magical glass slipper. If you want to see some action, you are going to have to step out of your comfort zone and get in the game of life so BE BOLD!
2. Treat your personal life more like you would handle a business. Ask yourself if this person is a good “investment” of your time and energy; if not, cut bait and move on to the next prospect. Pure “carnal desire” is delicious but will not maintain its intensity in the long run; friendship paired with attraction will. Remember, “ A kiss is just a kiss,” but really liking and respecting a potential mate and wanting to jump their bones at the same time, now that’s something.
3. When considering a long-term “investment” look at the entire package and associated baggage. Blending works better when you have common values and interests. But don’t forget the person’s family and friends. If they make you want to run for the hills, RUN. Trust your instincts, but remember everyone’s family is a little nuts!
4. The biggest turn-on is a confident person; any scent of desperation is like repellent. If your self-esteem is in the gutter, start doing the work you need to improve your mind, body and spirit; until then, put your best game face on and walk the walk.
5. Stop obsessing about finding “the perfect person” and chill out. Get involved in things that you enjoy such as cooking, hiking, ceramics and wine tasting. Chances are you will have a great time and meet new friends who share similar interests. People always say they find their mate when they weren’t looking, so focus on your life and what makes you happy. Remember that happy is very hot.
6. Safety first! Always keep the first date short and sweet; for instance, meet for coffee or a drink in a crowded area. If the person is not your type and gives you the “heebie-jeebies,” your torture is minimized to thirty minutes or less. If the date goes well, you can arrange dinner plans for the follow up and then spend more time getting to know each other. Always let somebody know where you are going and when you will be back so they can check that you made it home safely. MINIMIZE YOUR ALCOHOL INTAKE, IMPAIRS JUDGEMENT!
7. DON’T BE A WHINER! Negative energy is not attractive and men don’t want to hear women bitch about their “ex factor issues.” If you need to complain or vent, talk to your dog, best friend or shrink. Keep a check on your attitude when you are out on a date or out to meet new people… suppress the bitter yuk factor.
8. SMILE AND STAND TALL!!! Radiate positive energy and confidence and look like you are fun to be with. Even if you don’t feel that way, fake it till you make it happen.
9. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SAFE SEX, only safer sex, and using a condom is not enough! Be smart and educate yourself on how to do avoid sexually transmitted diseases.
10. KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR…NO MATTER WHAT!

– Amy Botwinick, Conceiver, Author & Producer of Divorce Party The Musical

TOP 10 FAMOUS AND FUNNY DIVORCE QUOTES

1. I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
2. You don’t know a women till you’ve met her in court. – Norman Mailer
3. I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.– Elayne Boosler
4. Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest. – Helen Rowland
5. Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck – if you survive you start looking very carefully to the right and left. – Anonymous
6. A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table. – Time Magazine
7. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it. – Henny Youngman
8. Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no-fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified. – J.B. Handlesman
9. She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. (married 13 times, to 11 women) –Tommy Manville
10. A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I’m about $100, 000 short. – Mickey Rooney
11. Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers. – Gerard Lieberman
12. You can’t stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat. – Mike Tyson

– Amy Botwinick, Conceiver, Author & Producer of Divorce Party The Musical

Stage: Before – Should I stay or should I go?

1. Art Garfunkel: “All I know”
   This song talks about two people who are in love but it’s just not working and they can’t make it work. Painful and very relatable.
2. Matchbox 20: “If your gone”
   Talks about your leaving, it hurts and please come home but your heart is already out the door.
3. Tina Turner: “Be Good To Me”
   You can dance and get some frustration out on this one. She asks and demands, why can’t you be good to me? I have no use for your excuse, I don’t have the time for your over loaded lines… I love her and this is one of her best songs. She is getting control of herself and getting her self esteem back here.
4. Thelma Houston: “Don’t leave me this way”
   Ok, it’s all about don’t leave but more than anything you hear this and your body can’t help but get up and dance. Old one but very good!
5. Bruce Sprinstein: “Trapped”
   You know that in between stage of should I say or should I go…. This spoke to me in a big way and come on, it’s The Boss!
6. Shania Twain: “Black eyes Blue Tears”
   It took me some time to figure out the words to this and when I did it made me cry. It’s about a woman dealing with physical and mental abuse, but she is finally done and ready to move on.

Stage: During – I’m Done and I’m Outta Here!

1. Wilson Phillips: “Hold On”
   This song was my personal mantra: I know that there is pain but you hold on for one more day and break free from the chains.
   Best line: “No baby you got yourself into your own mess….” It then goes onto to talk about how you will get your act together and move on–just hold on for one more day. My favorite song for this stage.
2. Streisand and Donna Summer: “Enough is Enough”
   Ok, when you want to scream and throw something, put this song on and scream out the words. Very cathartic.
3. Madonna: Time to Say Goodbye
   This song is just plain sad. When you need a good cry, this is it. Sometimes you just need to be sad so you can move on, this is the song.
4. Eagles: “Already Gone”
   This song was also my mantra–the lyrics in here rock: “So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains. And we never even know we have the keys, that’s right.”

Stage: After – Moving On

1. Gloria Gayner: “I Will Survive”
   Just because you have to have this one in here and it feels good to scream the lyrics.
2. Des’ree: “You Gotta Be”
   Amazing, calming, soothing and inspirational. Loved this one to help me feel centered and know I was going to make it through. You’re not alone!
3. Kenny Loggins: “The Real Thing”
   This is great when you have children. I hear this one and it still makes me cry. It comes from a very raw place but expresses so much of what we want to say to our kids and hope they understand, but never really will until they are much older.
4. Cher: “Do you Believe”
   Great dance music and very hopeful. Tells the story of love and loss, who you are now and what choices will you make for yourself. Can you still love?….It begs to ask the all time question: Do you believe in love after love? Say yes.
5. Madonna: “Express Yourself”
   Love it–great dancing material. You have made it through the war and are now ready to have someone be good to you. Express what you want and how you want it. Not taking anything bad anymore, in charge and ready to go.
6. Shania Twain: “I Feel Like a Woman”
   Such a great song to go out and dance to. All girls night out type of thing.
7. Aretha Franklin: “R-E-S-P-E-C-T”
   Need I say more?
8. Tina Turner: “Simply the Best”
   This is a great song for when you find the right person–the first good relationship you have after divorce. Hopefully you have learned from your experience and make better choices for yourself so you can sing these words and mean it. It brings back the memory of hot romance but mixed with someone you like. It’s hot, it’s steamy and very real. A celebration that you can find somebody awesome that makes a great lover and a great friend. It does exist out there if you are smart to know when its right in front of you.

TOP 10 WAYS TO LOSE MR. WRONG

1. Beg him to read your journal and call him repeatedly.
2. Ask him once a week, “So, where do we stand?” Or, if you prefer a more dramatic scrotum-tightener, ask, “So, where do we stand as a couple?”
3. Be the first woman in recorded history to actually tell a man exactly how many chaps she’s slept with.
4. Every time he makes a joke, roll your eyes and say, “Very funny. Ha ha.”
5. Make him watch the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and then criticize his mother.
6. Do you own an old pair of baggy maroon sweatpants? Wear them… Every night.
7. Say sweetly, “Either your idiot dog goes…or I go.”
8. Make complicated plans for the two of you to spend lots and lots and lots of time with your parents.
9. Make him take the quizzes in ladies’ mags.
10. Don’t mince words. If he asks, reply, “Why, yes, dear, now that I look at it, your penis is the smallest I’ve ever seen in my life.”

* Elle advice columnist E. Jean Carroll

1. Save on a therapist. Kick your mental professional and your “drama trauma” to the curb and laugh out loud again.
2. Weight loss. When you’re laughing, hooting, and hollering, there’s no time to eat your feelings. Say “so long” to the chips and ice cream.
3. Reconnect with your best friends for the best girls’ night out ever. The laundry can wait!
4. Inspiration for your own Divorce Party. Find out new ways to say “Good riddance!”
5. Watch your life unfold onstage and be able to laugh at it! It’s good practice for the real thing.
6. Pay it forward. Come back with your friends suffering from a “divorce hangover” and show them how to party!
7. Learn why they make Depends. You’ll be laughing so hard, you’ll need them.
8. It’s full of music that you know & love, and crazy new lyrics that will make you scream with laughter. (See reason number 7).
9. Because it’s time you did something for yourself. Your life will wait until the show is over.
10. Learn how to dance, sing, and laugh through life — by practicing in the aisles at DIVORCE PARTY THE MUSICAL!

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